Not Your Average, Everyday Joe's
by Ivory Greed
Summary: This is my drabble fic, Third Chapter up! Elliot and Parker were stuck . . . and maybe Elliot hasn't *quite* gotten over his claustrophobia . . . also I can has a fourth chapter . . .
1. I Never

**Disclaimer: I do not own Leverage, nor do I own "I Never" though I do enjoy putting them together.**

**Author's Note: This is the first in hopefully a series of drabbles. This is a little more dialogue heavy than I normally write but it worked for this case. Enjoy!**

**I Never**

They were between jobs, and they were bored. Parker sat on the ground leaned up against the couch, Hardison was on the couch, Nate was in the chair, Elliot was leaned up against the wall and Sophie was sitting, cross-legged on the table.

"I have an idea!" Parker jumped up and rushed to the refrigerator where a six-pack sat on the bottom shelf, "I heard about it back in college, it's a drinking game."

"_You_ went to college?" Elliot scoffed, "Majoring in what, Thieving 101?"

Parker stuck her tongue out at him as she passed out the beers to everyone else, "No, I was breaking into the geology exhibit at UCLA, they were showing some very expensive and shiny rocks. I just so happened to end up in the dormitories through a wrong turn in the ventilation."

Nate rubbed the bridge of his nose, "What drinking game, Parker."

"I never!"

Everyone rolled their eyes. "Parker, you do realize how jacked up that game would be with _us_ playing," Hardison laughed as he passed around a bottle opener. "Do you even know how to play?"

Parker sat down and took the bottle opener, popping the cap off and tossing the tool to Elliot, "No, but it looked fun."

Nate raised his hand as he took the opener from Elliot, "I'll start, Parker." Everyone looked at him in awe that the oldest of them had even heard of the game. "Hm, let's see, I've never robbed a bank."

The entire team took a drink. "That was too easy!"

"Fine, Elliot, you go."

Elliot grinned, "I never robbed a bank naked."

Parker took a drink and Hardison, sheepishly, followed, "Hey, I was in between torrents! Don't judge me for what I do in my down time, I assure you it is much better than what Elliot does in front of the computer naked."

"You're walking a fine line, Tech Support!" Elliot threatened.

"Boys!" Sophie threw a remote at Hardison, when he made to protest she said, "That was for the visual you just gave me, not for the fighting." She took a deep breath, "I've never paid for a prostitute." It was the first thing that had come to mind.

Nate, Elliot, and Parker drank.

"Maggie and I were broken up at the time," Nate shrugged. No one had put it past Elliot . . . and no one asked Parker but she shrugged when they looked at her.

"My turn!" Parker bounced up onto her heels, "I've never . . ." Parker hesitated, "leapt backwards out of an airplane while . . . dressed as a gorilla."

Everyone stared at her.

A few moments of thought later and Parker took a sip.

Elliot was the first to speak, "Parker, the point of 'I Never' is to have actually _never done_ the thing that you say that you've never done."

Parker threw her legs out in front of her, "Well, Elliot," she sounded like a sixth grader talking back to the teacher, "there isn't much that I haven't done."

Hardison raised an eyebrow, "How about something normal . . ."

The thief gave this a moment of thought before her eyes widened, "I got it! I've never used a public restroom!"

Everyone but Elliot and she took a drink.

"What?" Elliot was not amused to find the team staring at him, "Do you know the kind of stuff goes on in there?" Realization, "Damnit," he took a drink.

Now it was Hardison's turn and he didn't have to think long, "I've never banged my waitress in the public bathroom at Salt Grass."

"Not fair Hardison! You can't be that specific!" Elliot said this through the mouth of his beer. "It's targeting."

Sophie's eyes were the widest, "So that's where you went!"

Parker was beginning to enjoy this, "Nate, it's your turn!"

"I've never . . . slept with Elliot," he shrugged, that had been the first thing that had come to mind in light of the present situation.

Parker drank.

"Damnit Parker!"

Parker shot Elliot a doe-in-the-headlights look, "We can't lie during the game!"

"I'm out," Hardison threw his hands in the air and stalked out of the room, leaving his half-empty bottle on the floor.

"Completely disregarding that out-of-the-blue information," it was Sophie's turn and she wanted to change the subject, "I've never slept with a woman."

Nate and Elliot took a sip.

Parker took a long drink.

"Damnit Parker, is there anything you _haven't_ done!?"

Elliot grinned, "That's hott."

**Author's Note: Hoped you enjoyed it. It came into my head and wouldn't leave! Suggestions would be welcome. If you want it more than a one-shot review and let me know. If no one likes my drabbles then I will be sad and not want to continue. TOOTLES!**


	2. What's In a Name?

**Summary: When Hardison discovers Elliot's renewed driver's license (with his full name printed) the team gets to sharing middle names. Then Parker begins to reminisce about why she doesn't have two, or three, or four, names.**

**Author's Note: Okay, so this isn't as much crack as the next one but I liked the idea and the title came to me. Enjoy!**

**What's in a Name?**

"Garfield!"

Elliot growled as he turned all shades of red, "Shut _up_ Hardison!"

"No, dude. Your name is Elliot . . . GARFIELD . . . Spen –" the taunting was broken off by fits of laughter from the hacker.

"Yeah, well let's hear _your_ middle name!" Elliot was still red but wasn't hitting Hardison which he took as a good thing.

When Hardison didn't answer (mostly because of the laughing) Nate grabbed his wallet out of his pocket. "Alac Rhett Hardison . . . Rhett? As in 'Butler'?" Nate snickered.

"Shut up," Hardison snatched back his wallet, "Grandma loved Gone with the Wind."

"Ha, as if you should talk, Gregory!" Sophie hadn't even needed to take Nate's wallet. In fact, she was across the room reading when she caught the gist of the conversation.

Nate immediately stopped laughing. "Touché, Ms. Devereaux. And what is _your_ middle name?"

Sophie flipped a strand of hair over her shoulder, "Which one do you want? As Sophie, my middle name is Charlotte. As Katharine it is Eliza. As Beth it is Leah." Her eyes rolled to the rest of the team, "What? Do you really intend to mock me?"

No one did.

"Okay Parker, time to take your punishment," Elliot gently hit the thief's knee. Parker had been silent throughout the exchange. Eerily silent, in fact, her lips tightly pinched together in that way she did when she was deeply contemplating something.

"I don't have one." The reply was quiet and Elliot, sitting next to her, could barely hear her.

"What do you –"

"I don't have one okay!?" Parker spat, flying up from her chair and charging up the stairs into Nate's bedroom.

Nate sighed and stirred his coffee.

Elliot looked up, "What did I say?"

Hardison answered, "She only has the one name. I guess the others were forgotten, or never given to her . . ." his voice trailed off.

Upstairs, Parker was face first on the bed, a tear sliding down her cheek. It wasn't her fault. Her name was Parker. She had always been called Parker. Never been called anything else; had she?

By now she couldn't remember. She had been bounced around home to home for so many years, had taken on so many last names. Not a one had stuck.

The thief remembered all the times she had to tell people "No last name, just the one." Anyway, what did it matter? Not many people had only _one_ name; "Parker" shouldn't be that hard for people to remember, should it?

Parker wiped her eyes when she heard the door open. "Go away, I'm not done yet."

"We wanted to talk to you," it was Elliot's voice and the corner of the bed sank down as he sat. Following that, three more corners of the bed sank and a hand was placed on Parker's back tenderly. A familiar smell told Parker that it was Nate's hand.

"Yeah, Parker, it's cool to only have one name. You don't have to remember how to spell anything more." Hardison somewhere at her head while he pet her hair.

"And you can't be tracked as easily," Elliot and his hand went to behind her knee, his thumb stroking her leg.

"And you wouldn't be Parker otherwise!" Sophie kissed the girls neck.

"But if you really want . . . " Nate removed his hand and paused until Parker turned over to look up at them. Her eyes were red. "We could _give_ you a middle name . . ."

Parker thought this over a moment, "And a last name."

Elliot laughed and patted her leg again, "And a last name."

Parker nodded and they began plans.

Name planning lasted the rest of the afternoon, and each name had to be thought over carefully by Parker and agreed upon by all parties (this was at the girl's insistence.) Finally, after mean words (between Elliot and Hardison) and many laughs, they had the name.

Parker wrote it on one of those "Hello, my name is" stickers . . . it filled it up.

"Hello, my name is:

"Parker Eliza Nate Sarah Matt Isabella Alec Elizabeth (they tried to tell her "Eliza" is short for "Elizabeth" but she wouldn't listen) Sophie Ingo Montoya Diane Elliot Mary Parker."

As she sat on the couch with the others watching a move (A/N: who can guess the movie?) she couldn't be happier: she had both a new, full, name, and a family.

The End.

**Author's Note: Sorry for the kinda sad chapter, I feel story for Parker not having more than one name!**

**Review please!**


	3. I am Not Claustrophobic

**Summary: Parker and Elliot were stuck . . . and maybe Elliot hasn't *quite* gotten over his claustrophobia . . . **

**Author's Note: Okay, guilty: I love the Parker and Elliot dynamic . . . I try to give everyone an equal share of my attention but it always comes back to these two. **

**I'm Not Claustrophobic**

"Sooooo . . ." Parker was stroking her chin intelligently, "still tryin' to get over that claustrophobia?"

Elliot was breathing heavily and sweating. "I told you, I got over that when I was a kid." He didn't sound near as positive as the words let on.

They were stuck, no denying it. Hardison's nagging voice in their ear telling them that he would get them out soon had long since died out when the batteries in the coms ran out. Elliot lay on his back with Parker on top of him, hard rock at his back and – you guessed it! – more hard rock at her's. Parker was sneaking through an underground tunnel beneath a mark's house and Elliot was there for backup. That was when the tunnel collapsed.

"Then why are you shaking?" Parker lifted her belly off of the man below her, only managing a few inches before hitting the celling of their little hovel, "It's rather disconcerting . . . and creepy."

"Parker! I am not *gulp* shaking!" Elliot felt a weight on his chest, and not all of it had to do with Parker lying back down. Yup, he thought, still a mite claustrophobic . . . he hated himself right now, if only he had spent just a few more nights locked in that woodshed! Suddenly he felt cool hands on his face. "Parker, what are you doing?"

"You're breathing to hard, you'll use up all of the air we have left," Parker shinnied down until her head was on Elliot's chest, her feet pressed uncomfortably against one enclosing wall of their tomb, "besides, judging by the size of this," she took her hands and put them over her head, testing the size of their hole, her elbows didn't straighten, "we only have . . . like thirty minutes of air left."

Elliot's breath caught and he moaned, taking Parker's hands back and putting them on his face, which at least felt a bit better. "There's somethin' wrong with you."

"I'm a realist," Parker shrugged and hit her shoulders against the walls on her right and left, not much room there either. In the dark she couldn't see Elliot's face but she assumed that it was contorted into one of his classic "Elliot" looks.

*25 minutes later*

"Elliot?" Parker poked Elliot's shoulder, he has stopped shaking, "Are you still alive?"

Elliot scoffed, shifting just enough to let Parker know that he was still alive, "I thought I said to stop talking." Though still scared witless, Elliot had managed to get his nerves under control.

*3 minutes later*

"We're almost out of air . . ." it was Parker again. "I don't think they're coming for us."

Parker wasn't wrong. Elliot could feel the air going slower into his lungs and knew that soon they would both be suffocated, the retrievalist in him quickly tested his arm reach to see if he could reach Parker's neck if worse came to worse, he could make it quick . . .

Before he could think any other stupid thought, Parker moved and had her mouth over his. "I know what you were doing, we aren't going to die." The comment was swift and soon her lips were against his again. As if of their own accord he felt his hands wrap around her waist, it was so slender his fingertips could touch in the center of her back. He stroked her stomach with his thumbs.

He wasn't even aware of the dirt sprinkling down from above them.

"Hey, uh, you're saved . . ." Nate.

"Nate, what are you waiting for? Pull them out!" A panicked Hardison. Pause. "Damnit Elliot!"

**Author's Note: I couldn't pick an ending so review and tell me which one you like best!**

**Ending 1:**

Elliot opened his eyes, looking up through Parker's blonde hair and at Nate and Hardison, both of which were covered in dirt and holding shovels. Nate looked confused and Hardison looked pissed.

The hitter used his hold on Parker's waist to hoist her off of him, turning her to face the rest of the team. "Oh, hi Hardison," Parker was not one bit phased by the situation, "help me out?" Elliot grunted as Parker's weight was lifted off of him. The fresh air assaulted his lungs.

Only Nate was left at the hole, "So . . . still claustrophobic hu?"

**Ending 2:**

"Ack!" with a gasp Elliot shot up in bed, he had had the weirdest dream yet. Being accustomed to dreamless sleeps this one had exhausted him. "Damnit, I have _got_ to stop eating cheese that close to bedtime!" He wiped his hand across his face.

"Honey? What's going on?" a delicate hand grasped his forearm, another reaching around his back to fondle the hem of his boxers.

"Nothin' babe, just a dream," he slid back down under the covers, turning to embrace his partner.

"Must have been a strange dream to make you gasp like that," Parker draped an arm over Elliot.

He shot up, "Parker!?"

Elliot shot up in bed . . . again. Or rather, the couch since he was in Nate's apartment on his couch. He looked around, the room was empty.

Until he turned, Parker was sitting in the chair behind him, her feet propped up on the coffee table. Hardly looking up from her magazine (which she held upside down) she said, "Some dream . . . you musta hit you head harder than we thought . . ."

Elliot remembered the blow and touched his hand to the throbbing bump on the side of his head. Then he groaned and turned to face the couch, lying back down.

"So, still claustrophobic hu?"

**Author's Note: So what do you think? Let me know!**


	4. 13

**Author's Note: Originally this was published as a one-shot . . . but it didn't get the reviews that I wanted. I thought it could also fit here, but it's kinda a side-step, not as humor full.**

**Disclaimer: I could think of quite a few things that I would do if I owned Leverage . . . *gazes dreamily off into space and sighs* yeah . . .**

**(Other) Author's Note: I knew from right before watching the last episode that I wanted to do a one-shot of it . . .I just didn't know that they would make it this easy for me! If you haven't seen it yet then you may want to first . . . or else this will make no sense.**

**BTW: When you see text like **this**: it is modern. **_This_**: is the time that I will establish in the fic. Enjoy!**

**13**

"Hrumm," the growl started low in his chest, bubbling up through his throat as he felt the pressure on his back.

"Move!"

Elliot knew the answer to that; he backed back down the one step he had taken and turned his back to where the man was trying to force him. Again the man told him to move, and Elliot sensed more than saw, him reach for his gun. "13." A kind of smile broke out on his face, the kind that only people like him would understand. The last time he had said that . . . just the thought of those circumstances sent a shiver down his spine. Before the man could react Elliot turned, spinning the gun to the ground as it went off and brought his knee into his chest. "12."

_Ten years ago, or was it twelve now? damnit, the time really wasn't important, he knew it was a while ago, and, right before that there was a long incarceration in a Malaysian prison. Have you ever been to Malaysia? He wouldn't recommend it. He had also been hurt back then:_

_ Elliot leaned against the nearest tree, breathing deeply. Felt his side: yup, the arrow was still there, still bleeding. Before his adrenaline had time to slack, he broke it off._

Two more men rounded the corner and Elliot pushed himself off the wall, "11, 10." That last one had the advantage, coming at him from behind, or so he thought. Elliot was willing to bet that he hadn't seen that donkey kick coming from a man that badly bloodied. By now Elliot was not only bleeding from the blow to the head the first man had given him with the butt of his gun, but also from a broken nose. Twisting his elbows in and straining his back and shoulders, Elliot pulled his arms apart, shredding the zip-tie that the men had used to bind him. That mixed in with the dangerous, murderous look he had in his eyes made him look wild.

_"10," Elliot dropped the limp and dead body of the guard and slunk back into the trees. Yeah, he had no problem killing back then . . ._

Hardison was lucky Elliot had heard his foot falls and known he was unarmed just as the third man hit the ground, otherwise things would have gone much differently. "What are you doing man?"

_Elliot was already back into the zone. Malaysia, 2000, 1998, whatever . . . Elliot quickened his pace, as much as his wounded and beaten body would allow him to, knowing number four was near. He came at him, gun raised. At the time Elliot had no clue how he had avoided that shot, experience now told him that it was sheer, unadulterated drive, and want not to die there in that jungle. "9."_

Hardison had watched in amazement (and somewhat with fear) as Elliot easily felled the next man, not even bothering to check that he was unconscious before leaping under the next set of stairs and falling to a crouch. Barely making eye contact, Elliot shot the hacker the "shhh" sign and motioned him to the ground. Now, Elliot wasn't paying any attention to him, eyes locked on the next gunman, his next target.

_In Malaysia it was easier, the killing, Elliot had even relished in it back then; hadn't he? The next man was in his sight. Oh, how his lips waited to say "8", they yearned for it, even as he slunk up even with the man, never making a sound, never bringing his head above waist level. The guard's back was turned, what fun was that? It was too easy so Elliot allowed his last foot fall to make a sound. But just his last and that only gave the man enough time to turn and see the face of his killer, not even long enough to scream. "8," the number was growled, and nothing, not even a "hmm" or "oh" was breaking up his counting . . ._

Not even now.

Hardison, who had acquired what he hoped was a friendly acquaintance with the hitter in front of him, was terrified. He even had to do double takes to be sure that the men Elliot had "taken out" were still alive. So far all of their chests rised and fell. So far.

Elliot dropped into another crouch, this time right outside a doorway, he had made more noise than he had intended to make the last guard turn around and now good ol' number six was coming. Down the stairs, two more stairs, now just . . .one . . . more . . . step.

_He had loved that one, grasping the man's head between his hands and that swift tug, that satisfying crack as the man went limp. Hell, the man even had the decency to bleed a little, out of the corner of his mouth, before becoming a dead weight in the hitter's (then called "mercenary") hands._

"7." It was business, that was what Elliot had told himself then and that was what he told himself now. Somewhere in the back of his mind he heard Hardison say that they should be finding Nate, and something about Parker in danger. Words – he heard words, but they held no meaning for him now. "6." Number six in his memory wasn't worth remembering. Every one of the faces he remembered, all but her's.

That thought caused Elliot to falter just long enough that Hardison thought they were done for. The guard had said stop, Elliot thought, and then raised the gun. Lucky he was a bad shot.

_"5", the edge of the jungle was coming closer. _

He thought that he had seen Sophie, and that gave him hope, "It took you long enough."

_Now Elliot only hoped that he had counted right as four more men came at him. 'The biggest gun, that one first,' he told himself, ducking under the attack of the unarmed man and ramming his head into the larger guy with the gun's stomach. The fall into the earth was enough to crack the man's neck and then Elliot spun, kicking the next man in the side of the head, but not before taking a bullet to the arm._

Elliot flinched at the new wound but continued, not even checking that Hardison was out of the way.

_The tenth man he kicked back into the point of the tree. The man lived for the rest of the fight but would die shortly, after all, who would find him this far away from camp? Elliot turned his attention to the unarmed man who tried to run. Overtaking him was easy, killing him, a release._

_ "4,3, 2 – " _

"1."

_ As Elliot turned the general stood between him and the tree line. He reached into his waist and pulled out the gun he had stashed, leveling it at the man in front of him. The one that stood between him and freedom. _

_ Bang – _

**~ "0" ~**

"What are you doing?" Nate asked quietly as they were being led further into the bowels of the ship by the gunmen.

"Counting . . ."

**Author's Note: Soooo? Did you like it, hate it? I can't possibly be the only one who didn't see a recently-tortured Elliot slinking through the jungle right after he took out that first guy and RIPPED THE FRIGGIN' ZIP-TIES OFF OF HIS WRISTS! Whooo! Go Elliot! **

**As always reviews are appreciated!**


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